As with many of you, I had the chance to spend some time with relatives over the Thanksgiving holiday. It was average, to be honest. It’s always good to see loved ones, but it is a balance between hectic traveling, rushing to see as many people as possible, and if you live any significant distance away as I do, dealing with jet-lag and general travel weariness. But the most interesting and significant event during my mini-vacation had nothing to do with anything typically Thanksgiving related. It was just a simple conversation with my mother.
It went something like this:
Mother: Some random shit about things she was thankful for.
Me: Uh-huh, ditto.
Mother: So are you happy out in California?
Me: I am generally not happy. I’m just not a happy person.
Mother: Shock and horror followed by pity and concern.
Me: Trying to explain.
Mother: Doesn’t care, blame turned on self for not adequately raising a happy child.
(In case you were wondering, this has been slightly paraphrased.)
To be fair, my mother, her boyfriend, and if I’m honest, nearly all of my very large extended family are relatively simple people. This is not an insult. They are just the kind of people that are content with the few things they have, and make the best of every moment. My mother finds happiness in her love of family. My mother’s boyfriend finds happiness on his 28 foot boat from the 70’s that he meticulously cares for and uses for fishing and socializing with other fellow boaters. The rest of my family members all have similar stories.
But this is not me. I am never content. I am highly self-motivated. I prefer to spend my free time thinking about serious things or working on another project that is also work of some kind. This is not a pat on the back or a superiority thing. I am not a special snowflake. I think there are an incredibly large amount of people who are just like me, and likely those who read WSO fit into this category often than most.
But the truth is. I am not happy. I am busy.
I am a trader, a professional poker player, a novelist (I am working with an agent to finalize my first book in preparation for publishing and writing my second), a competitive video gamer, and now a blogging intern for WSO. The way I see it, I am too busy for happiness. I am too concerned with bettering myself in all aspects to be happy. But this isn’t a bad thing.
So after the initial surprise that my own mother couldn’t understand a life that didn’t really include a true sense of happiness, let alone one that actively embraced unhappiness, it got me to thinking. I thought about all the people who were like me, and how many of them struggled with this very concept. It made me remember that it wasn’t until my late 20’s that I honestly and openly accepted this fact about myself and pursued my current lifestyle. And now I find myself here, having done a good amount of self-reflection, defending unhappiness.
But first, before a bunch of people jump down my throat and tell me how they are also like me but are happy, or that happiness and my lifestyle are not mutually exclusive, let me say that I know this. Everyone is different. If you are a happy person, good for you. Enjoy it. If you are like me and still happy, again, good for you. But this post isn’t really for you, is it? Or maybe just read on so you can better understand your friends and family who may not be happy, and realize why their lives don’t need an intervention.
Second, I am not promoting depression. I find moments of joy and excitement, I am highly motivated, I love my life. There is a wide gap between happiness and sadness. The world is not binary. Please understand this.
But back to the point:
I am not a content person, nor am I a happy person. And this is great for me.
Most importantly, it allows me to avoid two very common traps that I personally don’t want to find myself stuck in.
The first is contentment. Again, for some people this isn’t a trap, but rather a blessing. But for me and people who share my mindset, content is one of the worst things I can imagine becoming. The main reason is that I am an uncontrolled improvement freak. I am highly aware that with everything I do there are literally thousands or millions of people who are better than me. Sometimes it is due to their brilliance or talent, and some of that I may never be able to make up for. I don’t expect to practice the guitar really hard and become the next Jimi Hendrix. But that doesn’t mean I can’t be a great guitar player. And this consumes me.
Don’t get me wrong. This is a tough mentality that causes me all kinds of pain and frustration. With everything I do I immediately compare myself to the best, and work to the bone physically and mentally to get myself as close to that standard as possible. It is a life where nothing is ever good enough, where being “good” is terrible, being “great” is okay, and being the best ever is good. But I’m cool with that. I love it.
Joy for me comes from the struggle. I thrive on challenge. I feel alive when I make tiny steps at something incredibly hard and see the progress, even if that millisecond of joy is immediately dashed when I then compare myself to the best and see how far away I still am. This is what keeps me up at night, but also what gets me out of bed in the morning. But still, moments of joy do not equate to happiness, and certainly not contentment. For me, if I woke up one day and felt satisfied with my progress, my position in life, my income, my skillset, my accomplishments, or even my general direction, I would have no reason not to go back to sleep. I hope that day never comes. I hope I am struggling away at some new skill (or perfecting an old skill) until the moment I die.
The second trap is perhaps even more frightening for me, and I find far too many people falling into this. That is, chasing happiness. It is common, and in fact normal, to realize you are not happy and think, “What is wrong with me?” To look at your peers who seem to glide through life with a smile and think, “Why can’t my life be like that?” I have been there. But that (for me at least) is a very dangerous mentality.
What happens next is inevitably a “search” for happiness. For those hyper-motivated, this can be frustrating and depressing at the least, if not outright dangerous. Many of you will end up with jobs in finance of some sort or another, and will have a comfortable financial life, if not a wealthy one (particularly in comparison to middle America). And one thing I see so very often among people in this field in particular (though it is common across all walks of life) is that search for happiness morphs somewhere along the line into a mad dash for money. Your friend who makes more than you seems happy, someone you know has a nice car and they seem happy, a relative has a prestigious job and they seem happy, a co-worker goes out on the town five nights a week and they seem happy, someone you saw on TV has zero debt and their entire retirement planned out and they seem happy, etc.
The truth is, they are happy on their own (if they are actually happy at all). The things they have has very little impact on their happiness. It has been shown that after a certain amount of money people hit a happiness plateau. And yet, despite this, people chase it into the ground. They need more, they need to spend more, they need to save more, they need nicer things, etc. And this isn’t only true with money. Thinking that getting better at your favorite hobby will make you happy or excelling at your job will make you happy or being able to run that marathon will make you happy is just as much of a fallacy as chasing money.
Don’t misinterpret what I am saying. I strive to make more money, to run that marathon, to improve my guitar skills, to write better books, to write more interesting blog posts, and to win at video games, etc. as much or more than anyone I know. Striving for more is not the issue at hand. The issue at hand is doing so in hopes that it will make you happy. Because thinking that somehow you are “supposed” to be happy is in itself a farce. Just as not everyone is good at every task, or not everyone is tall, not everyone is or will be happy.
So, if you are like me, as I suspect many of you are, my suggestion to you is this: wear your unhappiness as a badge of honor. You derive joy from pain and difficulty. You never stop trying to be the best you are in all fields. You are a fighter. And most likely, it will pay off for you. And maybe someday, when old age hits, happiness will wash over you as you look back over your accomplishments. But if it doesn’t, don’t fret. Don’t fear that you may never be happy. Instead, embrace a life that doesn’t need the crutch of happiness.
Revel in the fact that you are perfectly unhappy. It is who you are. It is certainly who I am. And I, for one, will always be proud of it.
I’d love to hear your thoughts on the topic. Are you always happy and think I’m just a depressed asshole trying to bring down those around me (you probably didn’t read my post if you do)? Do you see where I’m coming from but disagree? Or are you like me, curiously unconcerned with being happy or content? You can bet that I will be reading your comments, trying to perfect my understanding of a life that doesn’t include happiness.
Until next time,
This is The Uncontortionist.
Mod Note (Andy): Best of 2016, this post ranks #22 for the past year
Genuinely curious, if you're a trader why are you also interning for WSO?
I'd have to disagree. It's really subjective for each and every individual, but this sort of lifestyle causes chronic stress than need be. Pursuing happiness while not being a moron about it will drastically improve your life and mental faculties. You ought to check out the studies they did on monks and the above average neural activity they exhibit. Being content and joyful with what you have whilst also striving for greater things is a win-win.
Hi coffeecloser,
One thing I think I did in my post, which I feel you failed to do here, is to acknowledge that everyone is different and everyone works in different ways. I can't imagine being more stress free, and my life is wonderful. As I mentioned, I love my life. I am not a monk, and no one is exactly like anyone. I thrive in challenge, it is relaxing to me. It is preferential. I totally get that you have a different take on life, and that's great! But just as I didn't make a blanket statement that you should live the way I do, it seems a bit unfair to tell me what will or won't drastically improve my life without knowing me or what I've tried or who I am at all, no? Just asking that you keep an open mind. But thanks for the comment!
Monkeyz12345, as I mentioned in this post, I am also a writer, and wear many other hats. If I was left to my own devices I would probably willingly work 18/hr days every day splitting my time between projects. But alas, I do like spending time with my wife and having a modicum of social life =P But as I said to Andy Louis when I asked to be an intern, my life is currently about accomplishments more than anything. It's about the path. I've never written columns/blogs before, and I wanted to try, so I figured if I'm going to do it, I might as well get some kind of credit for having done it, put the notch on my belt, and see how far I can take it. It's like any other job. I can't just go up to The New Yorker and ask for a position. You work your way up to it. But if you're asking why in general I want to write, the answer is that my interests just span a lot of different things, and instead of relaxing, I like to pursue new things in my free time. Just a personal preference.
You know one thing you are not good at: writing succinctly.
I tried to get through it, but if I made it through 40% of this story, I am being optimistic. I tried really hard to get through it.
I guess I am not a true American hero.
If you didn't get through it, DickFuld, I'm not sure why you commented. Was it to tell me I am a shit writer? What actually happened with this post was I put it on a delay to publish so I could work on it some more, and for reasons unbeknownst to me (I have contacted the COO about it) it was published later that night instead of the time/day I requested. But if reading 40% or less of a story, then posting a snarky comment that could be copied and pasted to any article on the site and hoping to get bananas from people who think you are funny is your thing, then keep chasing them silver bananas. Sorry I wasted a few minutes of your time.
Unless you're perfectly content with your writing style as it is now.
I got through it. It is an interesting topic you actually brought up, and I can agree with you on similar qualities shared.
However, I believe that people have different goals in life and what they are content for.
+1 SB.
There's a reason why we are in finance, and I could be wrong, but most of us are afraid to admit that we are striving for more out of life.
You got this.
I also believe that Tech_Vestor. I hope that came across well. Thanks for support. I wouldn't say that most people in finance are looking for more out of life, but there is a large number of people. I do my best to not blanket judge people, but I for the most part we are in agreement.
Mind numbingly predictable.
Since you asked what I think: you just sound delusional.
ArcherVice, this comment actually surprised me. I honestly am trying to figure out what you and Jec mean. Why am I delusional? I'm not trying to attack you in any way. On the contrary, I'm truly curious. Would be interested in your actual thoughts, not just a judgement. But thanks for the comment.
Competitive gamer as in you are just a competitive person or as in you get paid to play in events, etc.? I always thought that'd be an awesome job, but a former coworker who claimed to be a professional gamer said he was playing 60 hours a week and gained weight, felt disgusting, etc. I grew up on games, so seems it would be a decent time...
RobberBaron123, I was, in my younger years, paid to play in events. I never got fat playing, though I did play a lot of hours of games. But I also was able to maintain my competitiveness (and pay) through part of college, while still exercising and having a social life. There are some people who go 100% into it. I was making extra money on the side and I loved the challenge. I can't comment on others though, as I was never in a team house or something like that where I met other gamers face to face. Now, however, I am competitive as in, I remain in the top ranks of the games I play, at a level just below professional, and choose not to take it further purely for time constraint reasons. More than an average gamer, just below professional gamer. If that makes sense.
Do you mind telling us which games?
cognitive dissonance is a helluva drug
I get your point. But you should really organize your thoughts better.
As I said in another comment, this post was not supposed to be published yet. I'm not sure what happened, but it was supposed to hold for a while so I could do just that. Either way, thanks for the comment Harvey Halstein.
I was a misanthrope before it was cool
Solid post. I also fear being content.
I would suggest watching this video, and understanding what Harris is saying.
I recently got let go from my BB job, and in between interviewing/searching, I've done a fair bit of soul searching.
One of the things that I noticed were the rosy glasses that I wore before. When I first started my job out of undergrad, I thought "this is it, I'm on a wall street trading floor, I have arrived". People need to realize that if you work on the street, you are not a master of the universe, and you are not superior to the rest of the world, at all.
It's important, as Harris mentions, that the reality of your life is now. If you spend your life looking for something in the future, you will be shocked that the future never arrives.
If you go through life being unhappy and walking around pissed off because you have some "higher purpose" (which I'm not sure exists in banking, to be honest), you're in for a rude awakening in your later years.
I hope that you figure it all out.
I think this is kind of what I'm saying. I'm not hoping for something to come to me in the future. I am satisfied in a way with exactly what I am. I think chasing happiness is bad for someone like me. I don't need to be happy to be fully alive and in the now. I feel like you might have misinterpreted my post. But I appreciate your comment and video. Thanks zerojb34!
In that case, it seems that you are in fact happy. There's certainly a relative quality to happiness.
I can only listen to self-help speakers when there's drums in the background
Being happy and not being self-content are not necessarily mutually exclusive. I think would be perfectly acceptable to characterize you as happy (with your progress / getting better every day), even if that doesn't mean you are self-content (because there is more progress you want to make).
Hey Prinztone, I agree with some of your comment. I said in my post that none of these things were mutually exclusive, and that everyone is different. But defining happiness on a person to person basis doesn't seem to make much sense. I don't "feel" happy the way others do, so I think defining what I have as happiness just because I enjoy it doesn't make much sense. It seems more like an orgasm: when you finally have one for the first time, you know you had one.
ended up reading this. I think we're just parsing words. you seem to actually be happy, though not satisfied with where you are. it doesn't mean you're sad, depressed, etc., it just means you're always striving to improve yourself.
we can quibble about the definition, but I get the gist of what you're saying. I think your word choice could've been better at a Thanksgiving dinner. I'm constantly wanting to improve as well, with writing (I write our team's market commentary), investing, fitness, guitar, relationships, etc., like everyone here. instead of saying something potentially inflammatory like you're not a fundamentally happy person, just say "Cali is good, I've still got a lot of things I want to accomplish, but I like the challenge."
again, tldr: I think you are happy, we just share a different definition of the word.
best of luck
Came here to comment the exact same thing. This is just semantics about the definition of "happiness".
Ever thought about switching from competitive gaming to sports?
I was an athlete growing up. I actually didn't get into gaming competitively until I was already older than most (after high school). I had always played video games, and played them "competitively", harder and more seriously than my friends, but then again I always did everything harder and more seriously than my friends. So for me the switch was the other way around. I went from sports to gaming.
I feel like if you go back to sports, some change that you really need may happen.
Pretty sure I don't need change at all. Don't feel like you understood what I was writing in the least.
My bad, I didn't really put much effort into reading it. But I've seen and read about people who are similar to you. You are set in your ways as if its the only way you can live. My suggestion was basically trying to get you to switch things around and try different stuff.
Its easy to enjoy life by being open minded and trying stuff without having set objectives. Take it easy and try to enjoy whatever you're doing.
Would you want to achieve greatness in all your ventures but become absolutely miserable once you reach the top?
I assume your perspective will change when/if you have kids
Someone told me that if you are not chasing happiness you are already happy. People today get confused between long lasting happiness/contentedness (proper happiness) and that "high" feeling you feel when you are happy but is short lived. This latter is not true happiness. I think you are generally content with yourself and are happy. It seems your happiness is derived from "growing" as a person and not linked to any external events but rather on your own actions which is good.
Dude,
If your sense of purpose is what drives you then utilize it to feel fulfilled. You're a fortunate American guy who works hard but also statistically got pretty lucky. - I'm not saying career-lucky, I am talking conception lucky. You could have been born in any situation, anywhere in the world, with any varying level of health. If that still doesn't make you smile I'll leave you with this:
The quality of your life is the quality of your communication.
If you communicate to yourself how awesome it is you are able to do what you do, live where you live, and work where you work you will feel better about it. When you connect your great results with the "happiness" they generate you will become happy too. - You're not the bad guy in an 80's movie, it isn't binary you can be happy and still be crushing life. Don't bull shit me and say you strive for self loathing either.
Ultimately my man you gotta change your perception - it is everything. You perceive yourself as not being happy therefore you aren't. Roughly 3/4 of this world is wondering if they'll have clean drinking water tomorrow. Many of our chief concerns and stresses are relatively laughable.
Cheers and goodluck
Happiness are just some chemicals released by the brain, not matter what the cause is (i.e. something "real" or drugs).
It also makes sense from an evolutionary point of view that this feeling does not last too long otherwise in terms of animals they would stop looking for mating partners and food and just be happy and consequently not spread their genes.
TL;dr but sounds like OP is pretty happy/content with his life or whatever the fuck term you want to use. No point in getting philosophical about it.
You might be conflating satisfaction with happiness. It's common for highly driven people to be dissatisfied with their life and happy despite their dissatisfaction.
Or you might be a real life Pessimist (philosophical capital "P" Pessimist, not just a glass-half-empty type). I happen to be a Pessimist and, while Pessimism is great if you're a writer, it's hell if you're in a line of work that more or less requires the expectation of positive outcomes. You're in trading, which is basically +/- neutral, but you might struggle in any other role on the street. Just an observation over the course of a long career.
In any case, welcome to the WSO writing team. Here's a little inside baseball: I do all my writing off-site (either on Focused if I'm on my Mac or Blank Page if I'm on my PC), and then copy it over to WSO when it's ready to publish. I've had works-in-progress disappear on me here onsite because of permissions or some weird feature of Drupal, and it's easier to just do it on your machine locally and then copy it over. Also, Hemmingway App is a great way to tighten up your prose before publishing.
TS seems rather pretentious. This passive writing style make me think of liberal arts college kids who gets it, likes fringe music,pretentious french book (jean paul sartre et al), and being unhappy because happy people are somehow "doesnt get it" and are probably simple minded and stupid.
I actually took the time to read the initial post, and to be honest, just get to the point... You think you are awesome and you want me to recognize your awesomeness, so here you are :
You are awesome.
Thank you.
This reads like the 3rd draft of an MBA admissions essay. We get it; you're ambitious.
TL;DR: OP is living a satisfied life.
While this is super cute, and I honestly do enjoy a good laugh, even at myself, just thought I would say that this post was never about me. I have gotten numerous private messages in response to this post thanking me as it helped people understand the conflicting things they were experiencing. I'm sorry it comes off as self centered or about me or my ambitions in any way, and I did try to curb that in the post itself by... Well by saying that exact thing. But the goal of this post was to express something I discovered about myself that helped me to enjoy my life and had hopes I could share that. And given the response, I think it has been pretty successful, despite people who don't understand or think I'm just a self centered cunt. That aside, your comment was at least minorly clever, if not expected.
You have a defensive style. Stop. This reads like a Reddit comment chain but without the anonymity. Listen to the objective writing advice given by a number of posters here. Brevity drives a forum's energy.
Happiness is personal. I choose to be a cheery person with others regardless of my own emotions. Also, if I am not keeping my family happy overall, I have failed my own definition of success.
"in defense of unhappiness" if you and your readers are able to take this stance, it definately feels like you can be satisfied with your life, not happy but satisfied.
Are satisfaction and happiness independent?
Thanks The Uncontortionist for the post, enjoyed it!
Personally, I think a lot of it at the end of the day comes down to how you define success and where you add value. Sometimes I feel as though I am happiest when doing something but am convinced by everyone else (family and mainstream media) that I am not. I mean, who every said having tons of money, a hot wife and a great family was the perfect life? I know i'll probably never end up in a typical scenario like that...
I'm curious. Are you an only child or the oldest? I am the only one, and this really does describe me. It's the idea that, although you can't reach perfection, you can aim for progress and always go onto the next thing.
there are people who are far more both successful and motivated than yourself. And manage to be happy.
Absolutely you're right. And people who are lazy and less successful and are happy. This was about a personality type. But thanks for clarifying. I in no way think that people can't be happy.
Good read - well written
Cool story Bateman
I genuinely thank you for this post, and I rarely ever say that as I find most of the philanthropic on WSO to be BS. Then again maybe it is because I so closely relate to everything you said. I am in the same exact boat. I am in my young 20's, just graduated 2 years ago and working at a BB but in a position where I feel like I am learning nothing or at least not what I want to learn. I constantly watch time fly by as I try to study for my CFA, my FRM, networking, socializing, and in more general just trying to learn finance whether it be from Wall Street Prep or reading WSJ.
Maybe I am a poor time manager but I am in a constant state of stress and feeling like if I am not being productive I am wasting my time. I feel like I am way to busy to even think about a girlfriend, or really any amount of social life. I feel like I am chasing a finish line that gets further, not closer, with time. So I appreciate the post. Feeling a bit more positive after reading.
I appreciate the kind words and am glad the post helped you be optimistic batty time. Life is complicated, but it works itself out with time I think. Good luck and hang in there. Sounds like you have a good head on your shoulders.
This video is the one of the dumbest things I've ever had the displeasure of watching. I was literally cringing
"Man is something that should be overcome." -Nietzsche
Thanks for the thought-provoking post, +SB. I do, honestly, think that you're confusing dissatisfaction and drive to keep achieving with unhappiness. What you are describing sounds like someone who actually is happy, but refuses to settle.
where in the fuck is my lunch
People need to realize, happiness is not something can be pursued. It is something you run into from time to time, on your way to achieve more. It is a fleeting sensation, that can be felt, but cannot be kept.
I dated someone exactly like you a while back. If I am correct, I imagine you would also have trouble with intimate relationships, that you cannot make a girl happy without hurting her constantly, even you have no intention to break her heart.
I did a lot of research in psychology in an attempt to save the relationship and concluded he is a narcissist, who is in lack of stable inner self and needs to feed on external things (fame, money, success, people's validation, sex etc..) to survive, and the desire is insatiable. No offense, but you could be a narcissist.
Hey there MoneyCenters,
Whatever is going on in your post is really funny, but mostly sad. I have had a series of intimate relationships throughout my life, up to my marriage. The idea that you think you can do some "research" and diagnose someone with an illness or condition is pretty deluded. It's even more absurd to think you could ever know anything about me based on my posts. Trust me, this is too ridiculous for me to be offended. I just think maybe you should get over the person who hurt you, and stop trying to spot people like him (whether he actually be a narcissist or not) in places where it is neither true nor appropriate. I'm sorry you were hurt. I hope you recover. Take care of yourself.
This is like some kind of self-contradictory piece someone would write and post on LinkedIn. Oh wait! I found this on LinkedIn.
The title was clever, and that's where it ended. Plus, there is an element of massive arrogance to the whole thing, which doesn't bode well for a writer. Alas, massive arrogance isn't entirely uncommon on WSO, sadly.
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